a letter to Crosmelia
my dear Crosmelia,
It seems that I always return to you when it feels like I am falling. I am upon a dark forest, but there is no guide to help me. I must find the path alone, but I am lost. Where do I start? Every path guards something precious and beautiful to which I am attracted. But I know that I must choose one, and whichever one I choose, it only goes forward; there is no such a thing as turning back.
I have been trying to describe what I feel for months now, Crosmelia, but the feeling only increases and I find myself nowhere nearer the correct words. I feel deeply detached from everything; humanity, love, meaning, life, myself. I know it sounds confusing, but that is the only way I can explain. I have found my humanity and I lost it when in contact with society. How is that possible? I desire desperately for the very essence of us, and I cling with all my hopes to any sign of what is truly human. And yet, every night I fall from the invisible cliff that makes me jump at night and takes me from my dreams and I realise we are everyday more lost. We stopped searching for meaning, for truth, for depth, for questions. I don’t know how to live in this world and everyday it seems to suck me deeper into its dark and gigantic abyss. How do I escape, Crosmelia? How do I stop myself from falling? I used to know myself so very well, and now my self slips through my mind and no matter how terribly I try to, I can’t catch it.
I used to believe in so many beautiful things. But now we make beauty out of plastic and screens, and no one seems to see beyond that anymore. How do I know who is real? How do I know I am real? I cling to every piece of myself I know to be true, and yet sometimes the mirror reflects something I can’t quite comprehend. My words escape me and everything escapes me and how do I find my path? Please, Crosmelia, you are my only hope.
It’s June again and you’ve been dead for three years now and yet I find myself thinking of you. You, that brought so much light and colour to my life, and left me so quickly. I miss the stars that used to shine on your petals and that watched me as I dreamed. I feel I haven’t seen stars in an absurd long time. I know that you shine in one of them every night, and that you too guard over me, somehow. One day we shall be reunited my dear Crosmelia, and in the skies I will find you and I will be happy then, and know that I have found peace.
It’s very hot, and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I think the heat brings me strange dreams, but maybe I am just dreaming. In little time I will be back home, and I look forward to seeing the pieces of me that I forgot. As always, I wish for the chance to try again and to feel in balance with myself. I don’t want to keep falling. And I really want to be hugged.
As you know, I could write to you forever my Crosmelia, but I sense I should stop for now.
I miss you as always,
With all my love,
Antônia.